یکشنبه ۲۵ شهریور ۰۳ | ۲۰:۱۵ ۹ بازديد
complex situation, and that I couldn't hope to change it until I had armed myself with the necessary
psychological and intellectual capacity. My contemplation of life and human nature in that secluded
place had taught me that he who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to
change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress.
Change -- real change -- comes from the Inside-Out. It doesn't come from hacking at the leaves of
attitude and behavior with quick-fix personality ethic techniques. It comes from striking at the root --
the fabric of our thought, the fundamental, essential paradigms, which give definition to our character
and create the lens through which we see the world. In the words of Amiel:
Moral truth can be conceived in thought. One can have feelings about it. One can will to live it.
But moral truth may have been penetrated and possessed in all these ways, and escape us still. Deeper
even than consciousness there is our being itself -- our very substance, our nature. Only those truths
which have entered into this last region, which have become ourselves, become spontaneous and
involuntary as well as voluntary, unconscious as well as conscious, are really our life -- that is to say,
something more than property. So long as we are able to distinguish any space whatever between
Truth and us we remain outside it. The thought, the feeling, the desire or the consciousness of life may
not be quite life. To become divine is then the aim of life. Then only can truth be said to be ours
beyond the possibility of loss. It is no longer outside us, nor in a sense even in us, but we are it, and it
is we.
Achieving unity -- oneness -- with ourselves, with our loved ones, with our friends and working
associates, is the highest and best and most delicious fruit of the Seven Habits. Most of us have tasted
this fruit of true unity from time to time in the past, as we have also tasted the bitter, lonely fruit of
disunity -- and we know how precious and fragile unity is.
Obviously building character of total integrity and living the life of love and service that creates such
unity isn't easy. It isn't quick fix.
But it's possible. It begins with the desire to center our lives on correct principles, to break out of
the paradigms created by other centers and the comfort zones of unworthy habits.
Sometimes we make mistakes, we feel awkward. But if we start with the Daily Private Victory and
work from the Inside-Out, the results will surely come. As we plant the seed and patiently weed and
nourish it, we begin to feel the excitement of real growth and eventually taste the incomparably
delicious fruits of a congruent, effective life.
Again, I quote Emerson: "That which we persist in doing becomes easier -- not that the nature of the
task has changed, but our ability to do has increased."
By centering our lives on correct principles and creating a balanced focus between doing and
increasing our ability to do, we become empowered in the task of creating effective, useful, and
peaceful lives...for ourselves, and for our posterity.
A Personal Note
As I conclude this book, I would like to share my own personal conviction concerning what I believe
to be the source of correct principles. I believe that correct principles are natural laws, and that God,
the Creator and Father of us all, is the source of them, and also the source of our conscience. I believe
that to the degree people live by this inspired conscience, they will grow to fulfill their natures; to the
degree that they do not, they will not rise above the animal plane.
I believe that there are parts to human nature that cannot be reached by either legislation or
education, but require the power of God to deal with. I believe that as human beings, we cannot
perfect ourselves. To the degree to which we align ourselves with correct principles, divine
endowments will be released within our nature in enabling us to fulfill the measure of our creation. In
the words of Teilhard de Chardin, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are
spiritual beings having a human experience."
I personally struggle with much of what I have shared in this book. But the struggle is worthwhile
and fulfilling. It gives meaning to my life and enables me to love, to serve, and to try again.
Again, T. S. Eliot expresses so beautifully my own personal discovery and conviction: "We must
not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to
know the place for the first time."
Appendix
Appendix A
Possible Perceptions Flowing out of Various Center
These are alternative ways you may tend to perceive other areas of your lif
* *
If your center is Spouse...
SPOUSE: The main source of need satisfaction.
FAMILY: Good in its place. Less important. A common project.
MONEY: Necessary to properly take care of spouse.
WORK: Necessary to earn money to care for spouse.
POSSESSIONS: Means to bless, impress, or manipulate.
* *
If your center is Family...
SPOUSE: Part of the family.
FAMILY: The highest priority.
MONEY: Family economic support.
WORK: A means to an end.
POSSESSIONS: Family comfort and opportunities.
* *
If your center is Money...
SPOUSE: Asset or liability in acquiring money.
FAMILY: Economic drain.
MONEY: Source of security and fulfillment.
WORK: Necessary to the acquisition of money.
POSSESSIONS: Evidence of economic success.
* *
If your center is Work...
SPOUSE: Help or hindrance in work.
FAMILY: Help or interruption to work. People to instruct in work ethic.
MONEY: Of secondary importance. Evidence of hard work.
WORK: Main source of fulfillment and satisfaction. Highest ethic.
POSSESSIONS: Tools to increase work effectiveness. Fruits, badge of work.
* *
If your center is Possessions...
SPOUSE: Main possession. Assistant in acquiring possessions.
FAMILY: Possession to use, exploit, dominate, smother, control. Showcase.
MONEY: Key to increasing possessions. Another possession to control.
WORK: Opportunity to possess status, authority, recognition.
POSSESSIONS: Status symbols.
* *
If your center is Pleasure...
SPOUSE: Companion in fun and pleasure or obstacle to it.
FAMILY: Vehicle or interference.
MONEY: Means to increase opportunities for pleasure.
WORK: Means to an end. "Fun" work OK.
POSSESSIONS: Objects of fun. Means to more fun.
* *
If your center is A Friend or Friends...
SPOUSE: Possible friend or possible competitor. Social status symbol.
FAMILY: Friends or obstacle to developing friendships.
MONEY: Source of economic and social good.
WORK: Social opportunity.
POSSESSIONS: Means of buying friendship. Means of entertaining or providing social pleasure.
These are alternative ways you may tend you perceive other areas of your life
* *
If your center is Spouse...
PLEASURE: Mutual, unifying activity or unimportant.
FRIENDS: Spouse is best or only friend. Only friends are "our" friends.
ENEMIES: Spouse is my defender, or common enemy provides source of marriage definition.
CHURCH: Activity to enjoy together. Subordinate to relationship.
SELF: Self-worth is spouse based. Highly vulnerable to spouse attitudes and behaviors.
PRINCIPLES: ideas which create and maintain relationship with spouse.
* *
If your center is Family...
PLEASURE: Family activities or relatively unimportant.
FRIENDS: Friends of the family, or competition. Threat to strong family life.
ENEMIES: Defined by family. Source of family strength and unity. Possible threat to family strength.
CHURCH: Source of help.
SELF: Vital part of but subordinate to family. Subordinate to family.
PRINCIPLES: Rules which keep family unified and strong.
* *
If your center is Money...
PLEASURE: Economic drain or evidence of economic stress.
FRIENDS: Chosen because of economic status or influence.
ENEMIES: Economic competitors. Threat to economic security.
CHURCH: Tax write-off. Hand in your pocket.
SELF: Self-worth is determined by net worth.
PRINCIPLES: Ways that work in making and managing money.
* *
If your center is Work...
PLEASURE: Waste of time. Interferes with work.
FRIENDS: Developed from work setting or shared interest. Basically unnecessary.
ENEMIES: Obstacles to work productivity.
CHURCH: Important to corporate image. Imposition on your time. Opportunity to network in
profession.
SELF: Defined by job role.
PRINCIPLES: Ideas that make you successful in your work. Need to adapt to work conditions.
* *
If your center is Possessions...
PLEASURE: Buying, shopping, joining clubs.
FRIENDS: Personal objects. Usable.
ENEMIES: Takers, thieves. Others with more possessions or recognition.
CHURCH: "My" church, a status symbol. Source of unfair criticism or good things in life.
SELF: Defined by the things I own. Defined by social status, recognition.
PRINCIPLES: concepts which enable you to acquire and enhance possessions.
* *
If your center is Pleasure...
PLEASURE: Supreme end in life.
FRIENDS: Companions in fun.
ENEMIES: Take life too seriously. Guilt trippers, destroyers.
CHURCH: Inconvenient, obstacle to recreation. Guilt trip.
SELF: Instrument for pleasure.
PRINCIPLES: Natural drives and instincts which need to be satisfied.
* *
If your center is Friends...
PLEASURE: Enjoyed always with friends. Primarily social events.
FRIENDS: Critical to personal happiness. Belonging, acceptance, popularily is crucial.
ENEMIES: Outside the social circle. Common enemies provide unity or definition for friendship.
CHURCH: Place for social gathering.
SELF: Socially defined. Afraid of embarrassment or rejection.
PRINCIPLES: Basic laws which enable you to get along with others.
* *
This is the way you may tend to perceive other areas of your life.
* *
If your center is Enemies...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Rest and relaxation time before the next battle.
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Emotional supporters and sympathizers. Possibly defined by common
enemy.
ENEMIES: Objects of hate. Source of personal problems. Stimuli to self-protection and
self-justification.
CHURCH: Source of self-justification.
SELF: Victimized. Immobilized by enemy.
PRINCIPLES: Justification for labeling enemies. Source of your enemy's wrongness.
* *
If your center is Church...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: "Innocent" pleasures as an opportunity to gather with other church
members. Others as sinful or time wasters, to be self-righteously denied.
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Other members of the church.
ENEMIES: Nonbelievers; those who disagree with church teachings or whose lives are in blatant
opposition to them.
CHURCH: Highest priority. Source of guidance.
SELF: Self-worth is determined by activity in the church, contributions to the church, or performance
of deeds that reflect the church ethic.
PRINCIPLES: Doctrines taught by the church. Subordinate to the church.
* *
If your center is Self...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Deserved sensate satisfactions. "My rights." "My needs.
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Supporter, provider for "me".
ENEMIES: Source of self-definition, self-justification.
CHURCH: Vehicle to serve self-interests.
SELF: Better, smarter, more right. Justified in focusing all resources on personal gratification.
PRINCIPLES: Source of justification. Those ideas that serve my best interests; can be adapted to
need.
* *
If your center is Principles...
FRIEND OR PLEASURE: Joy that comes from almost any activity in a focused life. True re-creation
as an important part of a balanced integrated life-style.
ENEMY OR FRIENDS: Companions in interdependent living. Confidants -- those to share with,
serve, and support.
ENEMIES: No real perceived "enemies"; just people with different paradigms and agendas to be
understood and cared about.
CHURCH: Vehicle for true principles. Opportunity for service and contribution.
SELF: One unique, talented, creative individual in the midst of many unique, talented, creative
individuals who, working independently and interdependently, can accomplish great things.
PRINCIPLES: Immutable natural laws which cannot be violated with impunity. When honored,
preserve integrity and thus lead to true growth and happiness.
Appendix B
A Quadrant II Day at the Office
The following exercise and analysis is designed to help you see the impact of a Quadrant II
paradigm in a business setting on a very practical level.
Suppose that you are the director of marketing for a major pharmaceutical firm. You are about to
begin an average day at the office, and as you look over the items to attend to that day, you estimate the
amount of time each one will take.
Your unprioritized list includes the following:
1. You'd like to have lunch with the general manager (1-1 1/2 hours).
2. You were instructed the day before to prepare your media budget for the following year (2 or 3
days).
3. Your "IN" basket is overflowing into your "OUT" basket (1-1 1/2 hours).
4. You need to talk to the sales manager about last month's sales; his office is down the hall (4
hours).
5. You have several items of correspondence that your secretary says are urgent (1 hour).
6. You'd like to catch up on the medical journals piled upon your desk (1/2 hour).
7. You need to prepare a presentation for a sales meeting slated for next month (2 hours).
8. There's a rumor that the last batch of product X didn't pass quality control.
9. Someone from the FDA wants you to return his call about product X (1/2 hour).
10. There is a meeting at 2 P.M. for the executive board, but you don't know what it is about (1
hour).
Take a few minutes now and use what you have learned from Habits 1, 2, and 3 that might help you
to effectively schedule your day.
By asking you to plan only one day, I have automatically eliminated the wider context of the week
so fundamental to fourth generation time management. But you will be able to see the power of
Quadrant II, principle-centered paradigm even in the context of one nine-hour period of time
It is fairly obvious that most of the items on the list are Quadrant I activities. With the exception of
item number six -- catching up on medical journals -- everything else is seemingly both important and
urgent.
If you were a third-generation time manager, using prioritized values and goals, you would have a
framework for making such scheduling decisions and would perhaps assign a letter such as A, B, or C
next to each item and then number 1, 2, 3 under each A, B, and C. You would also consider the
circumstances, such as the availability of other people involved, and the logical amount of time required
to eat lunch. Finally, based on all of these factors, you would schedule the day.
Many third-generation time managers who have done this exercise do exactly what I have described.
They schedule when they will do what, and based on various assumptions which are made and
explicitly identified, they would accomplish or at least begin most of the items in that day and push the
remainder onto the next day or to some other time.
For instance, most people indicate that they would use the time between 8 and 9 A.M. to find out
exactly what was on the agenda for the executive board meeting so that they could prepare for it, to set
up lunch with the general manager around noon, and to return the call from the FDA. They usually
plan to spend the next hour or two talking to the sales manager, handling those correspondence items
which are most important and urgent, and checking out the rumor regarding the last batch of product X
which apparently didn't pass quality control. The rest of that morning is spent in preparing for the
luncheon visit with the general manager and/or for the 2 P.M. executive board meeting, or dealing with
whatever problems were uncovered regarding product X and last month's sales.
After lunch, the afternoon is usually spent attending to the unfinished matters just mentioned
and/or attempting to finish the other most important and urgent correspondence, making some
headway into the overflowing "IN" basket, and handling other important and urgent items that may
have come up during the course of the day.
Most people feel the media budget preparations for the following year and the preparation for the
next month's sales meeting could probably be put off until another day, which may not have as many
Quadrant I items in it. Both of those are obviously more Quadrant II activities, having to do with
long-term thinking and planning. The medical journals continue to be set aside because they are
clearly Quadrant II and are probably less important than the other two Quadrant II matters just
mentioned.
What approach did you take as you scheduled those items? Was it similar to the third-generation
approach? Or did you take a Quadrant II, fourth-generation approach? (refer to the Time Management
Matrix on page 151).
The Quadrant II Approach
Let's go through the items on the list using a Quadrant II approach. This is only one possible
scenario; others could be created, which may also be consistent with the Quadrant II paradigm, but this
is illustrative of the kind of thinking it embodies.
As a Quadrant II manager, you would recognize that most P activities are in Quadrant I and most
PC activities are in Quadrant II. You would know that the only way to make Quadrant I manageable
is to give considerable attention to Quadrant II, primarily by working on prevention and opportunity
and by having the courage to say "no" to Quadrants III and IV.
The 2:00 P.M. board meeting. We will assume the 2 P.M. executive board meeting did not have an
agenda for the attending executives, or perhaps you would not see the agenda until you arrived at the
meeting. This is not uncommon. As a result, people tend to come unprepared and to "shoot from the
hip." Such meetings are usually disorganized and focus primarily on Quadrant I issues which are both
important and urgent, and around which there is often a great deal of sharing of ignorance. These
meetings generally result in wasted time and inferior results and are often little more than an ego trip
taken this approach before, you may need to spend more time to train them in what this approach
involves, what "completed staff work" means, how to synergize around differences and what
identifying alternative options and consequences involves.
The "In" basket and correspondence. Instead of diving into the "IN" basket, you would spend some
time, perhaps 30 to 60 minutes, beginning a training process with your secretary so that he or she could
gradually become empowered to handle the "IN" basket as well as the correspondence under item
number five. This training program might go on for several weeks, even months, until your secretary
or assistant is really capable of being results-minded rather than methods-minded.
Your secretary could be trained to go through all correspondence items and all "IN" basket items, to
analyze them and to handle as many as possible. Items that could not be handled with confidence
could be carefully organized, prioritized, and brought to you with a recommendation or a note for your
own action. In this way, within a few months your secretary or executive assistant could hand 80 to 90
percent of all the "IN" basket items and correspondence, often much better than you could handle them
yourself, simply because your mind is so focused on Quadrant II opportunities instead of buried in
Quadrant I problems.
The sales manager and last month's sales. A possible Quadrant II approach to item number four
would be to think through the entire relationship and performance agreement with that sales manager
to see if the Quadrant II approach is being used. The exercise doesn't indicate what you need to talk to
the sales manager about, but assuming it's a Quadrant I item, you could take the Quadrant II approach
and work on the chronic nature of the problem as well as the Quadrant I approach to solve the
immediate need.
Possibly you could train your secretary to handle the matter without your involvement and bring to
your attention only that which you need to be aware of. This may involve some Quadrant II activity
with your sales manager and others reporting to you so they understand that your primary function is
leadership rather than management. They can begin to understand that they can actually solve the
problem better with your secretary than with you, and free you for Quadrant II leadership activity.
If you feel that the sales manager might be offended by having your secretary make the contact, then
you could begin the process of building that relationship so that you can eventually win the confidence
of the sales manager toward your both taking a more beneficial Quadrant II approach.
Catching up on medical journals. Reading medical journals is a Quadrant II item you may want to
procrastinate. But your own long-term professional competence and confidence may largely be a
function of staying abreast of this literature. So, you may decide to put the subject on the agenda for
your own staff meeting, where you could suggest that a systematic approach to reading the medical
journals be set up among your staff. Members of the staff could study different journals and teach the
rest the essence of what they learn at future staff meetings. In addition, they could supply others with
key articles or excerpts which everyone really needs to read and understand.
Preparing for next month's sales meeting. Regarding item number seven, a possible Quadrant II
approach might be to call together a small group of the people who report to you and charge them to
make a thorough analysis of the needs of the salespeople. You could assign them to bring a completed
staff work recommendation to you be a specified date within a week or 10 days, giving you enough
time to adapt it and have it implemented. This may involve their interviewing each of the salespeople
to discover their real concerns and needs, or it might involve sampling the sales group so that the sales
meeting agenda is relevant and is sent out in plenty of time so that the salespeople can prepare and
get involved in it in appropriate ways.
Rather than prepare the sales meeting yourself, you could delegate that task to a small group of
people who represent different points of view and different kinds of sales problems. Let them interact
constructively and creatively and bring to you a finished recommendation. If they are not used to this
kind of assignment, you may spend some of that meeting challenging and training them, teaching them
why you are using this approach and how it will benefit them as well. In doing so, you are beginning
to train your people to think long-term, to be responsible for completing staff work or other desired
results, to creatively interact with each other in interdependent ways, and to do a quality job within
specified deadlines.
Product "X" and quality control. Now let's look at item number eight regarding product "X," which
didn't pass quality control. The Quadrant II approach would be to study that problem to see if it has a
chronic or persistent dimension to it. If so, you could delegate to others the careful analysis of that
chronic problem with instructions to bring to you a recommendation, or perhaps simply to implement
what they come up with and inform you of the results.
The net effect of this Quadrant II day at the office is that you are spending most of your time
delegating, training, preparing a board presentation, making one phone call, and having a productive
lunch. By taking a long-term PC approach, hopefully in a matter of a few weeks, perhaps months, you
won't face such a Quadrant I scheduling problem again.
As you go through this analysis, you may be thinking this approach seems idealistic. You may be
wondering if Quadrant II managers ever work in Quadrant I. I admit it is idealistic. This book is not
about the habits of highly ineffective people; it's about habits of highly effective people. And to be
highly effective is an ideal to work toward.
Of course you'll need to spend time in Quadrant I. Even the best-laid plans in Quadrant II
sometimes aren't realized. But Quadrant I can be significantly reduced into more manageable
proportions so that you're not always into the stressful crisis atmosphere that negatively affects your
judgment as well as your health.
Undoubtedly it will take considerable patience and persistence, and you may not be able to take a
Quadrant II approach to all or even most of these items at this time. But if you can begin to make some
headway on a few of them and help create more of a Quadrant II mind-set in other people as well as
yourself, then downstream there will be quantum improvements in performance.
Again, I acknowledge that in a family setting or a small business setting, such delegation may not be
possible. But this does not preclude a Quadrant II mind-set which would produce interesting and
creative ways within your Circle of Influence to reduce
define what you're trying to accomplish. You carefully think through the product or service you want
to provide in terms of your market target, then you organize all the elements -- financial, research and
development, operations, marketing, personnel, physical facilities, and so on -- to meet that objective.
The extent to which you Begin with the End in Mind often determines whether or not you are able to
create a successful enterprise. Most business failures begin in the first creation, with problems such as
undercapitalization, misunderstanding of the market, or lack of a business plan.
The same is true with parenting. If you want to raise responsible, self-disciplined children, you
have to keep that end clearly in mind as you interact with your children on a daily basis. You can't
behave toward them in ways that undermine their self-discipline or self-esteem.
To varying degrees, people use this principle in many different areas of life. Before you go on a
trip, you determine your destination and plan out the best route. Before you plant a garden, you plan
it out in your mind, possibly on paper. You create speeches on paper before you give them, you
envision the landscaping in your yard before you landscape it, you design the clothes you make before
you thread the needle.
To the extent to which we understand the principle of two creations and accept the responsibility for
both, we act within and enlarge the borders of our Circle of Influence. To the extent to which we do
not operate in harmony with this principle and take charge of the first creation, we diminish it.
By Design or Default
It's a principle that all things are created twice, but not all first creations are by conscious design. In
our personal lives, if we do not develop our own self-awareness and become responsible for first
creations, we empower other people and circumstances outside our Circle or Influence to shape much
of our lives by default. We reactively live the scripts handed to us by family, associates, other people's
agendas, the pressures of circumstance -- scripts from our earlier years, from our training, our
conditioning
These scripts come from people, not principles. And they rise out of our deep vulnerabilities, our
deep dependency on others and our need for acceptance and love, for belonging, for a sense of
importance and worth, for a feeling that we matter.
Whether we are aware of it or not, whether we are in control of it or not, there is a first creation to
every part of our lives. We are either the second creation of our own proactive design, or we are the
second creation of other people's agendas, of circumstances, or of past habits
The unique human capacities of self-awareness, imagination, and conscience enable us to examine
first creations and make it possible for us to take charge of our own first creation, to write our own
script. Put another way, Habit 1 says, "You are the creator." Habit 2 is the first creation.
Leadership and Management -- The Two Creations
Habit 2 is based on principles of personal leadership, which means that leadership is the first
creation. Leadership is not management. Management is the second creation, which we'll discuss in
the chapter on Habit 3. But leadership has to come first.
Management is a bottom-line focus: How can I best accomplish certain things? Leadership deals
with the top line: What are the things I want to accomplish? In the words of both Peter Drucker and
Warren Bennis, "Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." Management
is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning
against the right wall.
You can quickly grasp the important difference between the two if you envision a group of
producers cutting their way through the jungle with machetes. They're the producers, the problem
solvers. They're cutting through the undergrowth, clearing it out.
The managers are behind them, sharpening their machetes, writing policy and procedure manuals,
holding muscle development programs, bringing in improved technologies, and setting up working
schedules and compensation programs for machete wielders.
The leader is the one who climbs the tallest tree, surveys the entire situation, and yells, "Wrong
jungle!"
But how do the busy, efficient producers and managers often respond? "Shut up! We're making
progress."
As individuals, groups, and businesses, we're often so busy cutting through the undergrowth we
don't even realize we're in the wrong jungle. And the rapidly changing environment in which we live
makes effective leadership more critical than it has ever been -- in every aspect of independent and
interdependent life.
We are more in need of a vision or designation and a compass (a set of principles or directions) and
less in need of a road map. We often don't know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will
need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will
always give us direction.
Effectiveness -- often even survival -- does not depend solely on how much effort we expend, but on
whether or not the effort we expend is in the right jungle. And the metamorphosis taking place in
most every industry and profession demands leadership first and management second.
In business, the market is changing so rapidly that many products and services that successfully met
consumer tastes and needs a few years ago are obsolete today. Proactive powerful leadership must
constantly monitor environmental change, particularly customer buying habits and motives, and
provide the force necessary to organize resources in the right direction.
Such changes as deregulation of the airline industry, skyrocketing costs of health care, and the great
quality and quantity of imported cars impact the environment in significant ways. If industries do not
monitor the environment, including their own work teams, and exercise the creative leadership to keep
headed in the right direction, no amount of management expertise can keep them from failing.
Efficient management without effective leadership is, as one individual phrased it, "like
straightening deck chairs on the Titanic." No management success can compensate for failure in
leadership. But leadership is hard because we're often caught in a management paradigm.
At the final session of a year-long executive development program in Seattle, the president of an oil
company came up to me and said, "Stephen, when you pointed out the difference between leadership
and management in the second month, I looked at my role as the president of this company and
realized that I had never been into leadership. I was deep into management, buried by pressing
challenges and the details of day-to-day logistics. So I decided to withdraw from management.
could get other people to do that. I wanted to really lead my organization.
"It was hard. I went through withdrawal pains because I stopped dealing with a lot of the pressing,
urgent matters that were right in front of me and which gave me a sense of immediate accomplishment.
I didn't receive much satisfaction as I started wrestling with the direction issues, the culture-building
issues, the deep analysis of problems, the seizing of new opportunities. Others also went through
withdrawal pains from their working style comfort zones. They missed the easy accessibility I had
given them before. They still wanted me to be available to them, to respond, to help solve their
problems on a day-to-day basis.
"But I persisted. I was absolutely convinced that I needed to provide leadership. And I did.
Today our whole business is different. We're more in line with our environment. We have doubled
our revenues and quadrupled our profits. I'm into leadership."
I'm convinced that too often parents are also trapped in the management paradigm, thinking of
control, efficiency, and rules instead of direction, purpose, and family feeling.
I
And leadership is even more lacking in our personal lives. We're into managing with efficiency,
setting and achieving goals before we have even clarified our values.
Rescripting: Becoming Your Own First Creator
As we previously observed, proactivity is based on the unique human endowment of self-awareness.
The two additional unique human endowments that enable us to expand our proactivity and to exercise
personal leadership in our lives are imagination and conscience.
Through imagination, we can visualize the uncreated worlds of potential that lie within us.
Through conscience, we can come in contact with universal laws or principles with our own singular
talents and avenues of contribution, and with the personal guidelines within which we can most
effectively develop them. Combined with self-awareness, these two endowments empower us to write
our own script.
Because we already live with many scripts that have been handed to us, the process of writing our
own script is actually more a process of "rescripting," or Paradigm Shifting -- of changing some of the
basic paradigms that we already have. As we recognize the ineffective scripts, the incorrect or
incomplete paradigms within us, we can proactively begin to rescript ourselves.
I think one of the most inspiring accounts of the rescripting process comes from the autobiography
of Anwar Sadat, past president of Egypt. Sadat had been reared, nurtured, and deeply scripted in a
hatred for Israel. He would make the statement on national television, "I will never shake the hand of
an Israeli as long as they occupy one inch of Arab soil. Never, never, never!" And huge crowds all
around the country would chant, "Never, never, never!" He marshaled the energy and unified the will
of the whole country in that script.
The script was very independent and nationalistic, and it aroused deep emotions in the people. But
it was also very foolish, and Sadat knew it. It ignored the perilous, highly interdependent reality of the
situation.
So he rescripted himself. It was a process he had learned when he was a young man imprisoned in
Cell 54, a solitary cell in Cairo Central Prison, as a result of his involvement in a conspiracy plot against
King Farouk. He learned to withdraw from his own mind and look at it to see if the scripts were
appropriate and wise. He learned how to vacate his own mind and, through a deep personal process
of meditation, to work with his own scriptures, his own form of prayer, and rescript himself.
He records that he was almost loath to leave his prison cell because it was there that he realized that
real success is success with self. It's not in having things, but in having mastery, having victory over
self.
For a period of time during Nasser's administration Sadat was relegated to a position of relative
insignificance. Everyone felt that his spirit was broken, but it wasn't. They were projecting their own
home movies onto him. They didn't understand him. He was biding his time.
And when that time came, when he became president of Egypt and confronted the political realities,
he rescripted himself toward Israel. He visited the Knesset in Jerusalem and opened up one of the
most precedent-breaking peace movements in the history of the world, a bold initiative that eventually
brought about the Camp David Accord.
Sadat was able to use his self-awareness, his imagination, and his conscience to exercise personal
leadership, to change an essential paradigm, to change the way he saw the situation. He worked in the
center of his Circle of Influence. And from that rescripting, that change in paradigm, flowed changes
in behavior and attitude that affected millions of lives in the wider Circle of Concern.
In developing our own self-awareness many of us discover ineffective scripts, deeply embedded
habits that are totally unworthy of us, totally incongruent with the things we really value in life. Habit
2 says we don't have to live with those scripts. We are response-able to use our imagination and
creativity to write new ones that are more effective, more congruent with our deepest values and with
the correct principles that give our values meaning.
Suppose, for example, that I am highly overreactive to my children. Suppose that whenever they
begin to do something I feel is inappropriate, I sense an immediate tensing in the pit of my stomach. I
feel defensive walls go up; I prepare for battle. My focus is not on the long-term growth and
understanding but on the short-term behavior. I'm trying to win the battle, not the war.
I pull out my ammunition -- my superior size, my position of authority -- and I yell or intimidate or I
threaten or punish. And I win. I stand there, victorious, in the middle of the debris of a shattered
relationship while my children are outwardly submissive and inwardly rebellious, suppressing feelings
that will come out later in uglier ways.
Now if I were sitting at that funeral we visualized earlier, and one of my children was about to
speak, I would want his life to represent the victory of teaching, training, and disciplining with love
over a period of years rather than the battle scars of quick-fix s*******mishes. I would want his heart and
mind to be filled with the pleasant memories of deep, meaningful times together. I would want him to
remember me as a loving father who shared the fun and the pain of growing up. I would want him to
remember the times he came to me with his problems and concerns. I would want to have listened
and loved and helped. I would want him to know I wasn't perfect, but that I had tried with everything
I had. And that, perhaps more than anybody in the world, I loved him.
The reason I would want those things is because, deep down, I value my children. I love them, I
want to help them. I value my role as their father.
But I don't always see those values. I get caught up in the "thick of thin things." What matters most
gets buried under layers of pressing problems, immediate concerns, and outward behaviors. I become
reactive. And the way I interact with my children every day often bears little resemblance to the way I
deeply feel about them.
Because I am self-aware, because I have imagination and conscience, I can examine my deepest
values. I can realize that the script I'm living is not in harmony with those values, that my life is not
the product of my own proactive design, but the result of the first creation I have deferred to
circumstances and other people. And I can change. I can live out of my imagination instead of my
memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past. I can become my own
first creator.
To Begin with the End in Mind means to approach my role as a parent, as well as my other roles in
life, with my values and directions clear. It means to be responsible for my own first creation, to
rescript myself so that the paradigms from which my behavior and attitude flow are congruent with my
deepest values and in harmony with correct principles.
It also means to begin each day with those values firmly in mind. Then as the vicissitudes, as the
challenges come, I can make my decisions based on those values. I can act with integrity. I don't
have to react to the emotion, the circumstance. I can be truly proactive, value driven, because my
values are clear.
A Personal Mission Statement
The most effective way I know to Begin with the End in Mind is to develop a personal mission
statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do
(contributions and achievements) and on the values or principles upon which being and doing are
based
Because each individual is unique, a personal mission statement will reflect that uniqueness, both in
content and form. My friend, Rolfe Kerr, has expressed his personal creed in this way:
Succeed at home first.
Seek and merit divine help.
Never compromise with honesty.
Remember the people involved.
Hear both sides before judging.
Obtain counsel of others.
Defend those who are absent.
Be sincere yet decisive.
Develop one new proficiency a year.
Plan tomorrow's work today.
Hustle while you wait.
Maintain a positive attitude.
Keep a sense of humor.
Be orderly in person and in work.
Do not fear mistakes -- fear only the absence of creative, constructive, and corrective responses to
those mistakes.
Facilitate the success of subordinates.
Listen twice as much as you speak.
Concentrate all abilities and efforts on the task at hand, not worrying about the next job or
promotion.
A woman seeking to balance family and work values has expressed her sense of personal mission
differently:
I will seek to balance career and family as best I can since both are important to me.
My home will be a place where I and my family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace, and
happiness. Still I will seek to create a clean and orderly environment, yet livable and comfortable. I
will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. I especially want to teach
my children to love, to learn, and to laugh -- and to work and develop their unique talents.
I value the rights, freedoms, and responsibilities of our democratic society. I will be a concerned
and informed citizen, involved in the political process to ensure my voice is heard and my vote is
counted.
I will be a self-starting individual who exercises initiative in accomplishing my life's goals. I will
act on situations and opportunities, rather than to be acted upon.
I will always try to keep myself free from addictive and destructive habits. I will develop habits
that free me from old labels and limits and expand my capabilities and choices.
My money will be my servant, not my master. I will seek financial independence over time. My
wants will be subject to my needs and my means. Except for long-term home and car loans, I will seek
to keep myself free from consumer debt. I will spend less than I earn and regularly save or invest part
of my income.
Moreover, I will use what money and talents I have to make life more enjoyable for others through
service and charitable giving.
You could call a personal mission statement a personal constitution. Like the United States
Constitution, it's fundamentally changeless. In over 200 years, there have been only 26 amendments,
10 of which were in the original Bill of Rights.
The United States Constitution is the standard by which every law in the country is evaluated. It is
the document the president agrees to defend and support when he takes the Oath of Allegiance. It is
the criterion by which people are admitted into citizenship. It is the foundation and the center that
enables people to ride through such major traumas as the Civil War, Vietnam, or Watergate. It is the
written standard, the key criterion by which everything else is evaluated and directed.
The Constitution has endured and serves its vital function today because it is based on correct
principles, on the self-evident truths contained in the Declaration of Independence. These principles
empower the Constitution with a timeless strength, even in the midst of social ambiguity and change.
"Our peculiar security," said Thomas Jefferson, "is in the possession of a written Constitution."
A personal mission statement based on correct principles becomes the same kind of standard for an
individual. It becomes a personal constitution, the basis for making major, life-directing decisions, the
basis for making daily decisions in the midst of the circumstances and emotions that affect our lives. It
empowers individuals with the same timeless strength in the midst of change.
People can't live with change if there's not a changeless core inside them. The key to the ability to
change is a changeless sense of who you are, what you are about and what you value.
With a mission statement, we can flow with changes. We don't need prejudgments or prejudices.
We don't need to figure out everything else in life, to stereotype and categorize everything and
everybody in order to accommodate reality
Our personal environment is also changing at an ever-increasing pace. Such rapid change burns
out a large number of people who feel they can hardly handle it, can hardly cope with life. They
become reactive and essentially give up, hoping that the things that happen to them will be good.
But it doesn't have to be that way. In the Nazi death camps where Viktor Frankl learned the
principle of proactivity, he also learned the importance of purpose, of meaning in life. The essence of
"logotherapy," the philosophy he later developed and taught, is that many so-called mental and
emotional illnesses are really symptoms of an underlying sense of meaninglessness or emptiness.
Logotherapy eliminates that emptiness by helping the individual to detect his unique meaning, his
mission in life.
Once you have that sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the
vision and the values which direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you set your
long- and short-term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles,
against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your
energies can be effectively measured.
At the Center
In order to write a personal mission statement, we must begin at the very center of our Circle of
Influence, that center comprised of our most basic Our paradigms, the lens through which we see the
world.
It is here that we deal with our vision and our values. It is here that we use our endowment of
self-awareness to examine our maps and, if we value correct principles, to make certain that our maps
accurately describe the territory, that our paradigms are based on principles and reality. It is here that
we use our endowment of conscience as a compass to help us detect our own unique talents and areas
of contribution. It is here that we use our endowment of imagination to mentally create the end we
desire, giving direction and purpose to our beginnings and providing the substance of a written
personal constitution.
It is also here that our focused efforts achieve the greatest results. As we work within the very
center of our Circle of Influence, we expand it. This is highest-leverage PC work, significantly
impacting the effectiveness of every aspect of our lives.
Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power.
Security represents your sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem,
your basic personal strength or lack of it.
Guidance means your source of direction in life. Encompassed by your map, your internal frame of
reference that interprets for you what is happening out there, are standards or principles or implicit
criteria that govern moment-by-moment decision-making and doing.
Wisdom is your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various
parts and principles apply and relate to each other. It embraces judgment, discernment,
comprehension. It is a gestalt or oneness, an integrated wholeness.
Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something. It is the
vital energy to make choices and decisions. It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply
embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones.
These four factors -- security, guidance, wisdom, and power -- are interdependent. Security and
clear guidance bring true wisdom, and wisdom becomes the spark or catalyst to release and direct
power. When these four factors are present together, harmonized and enlivened by each other, they
create the great force of a noble personality, a balanced character, a beautifully integrated individual.
These life-support factors also undergird every other dimension of life. And none of them is an
all-or-nothing matter. The degree to which you have developed each one could be charted somewhere
on a continuum, much like the Maturity Continuum described earlier. At the bottom end, the four
factors are weak. You are basically dependent on circumstances or other people, things over which
you have no direct control. At the top end you are in control. You have independent strength and
the foundation for rich, interdependent relationships.
Your security lies somewhere on the continuum between extreme insecurity on one end, wherein
your life is buffeted by all the fickle forces that play upon it, and a deep sense of high intrinsic worth
and personal security on the other end. Your guidance ranges on the continuum from dependence on
the social mirror or other unstable, fluctuating sources to strong inner direction. Your wisdom falls
somewhere between a totally inaccurate map where everything is distorted and nothing seems to fit,
and a complete and accurate map of life wherein all the parts and principles are properly related to each
other. Your power lies somewhere between immobilization or being a puppet pulled by someone
else's strings to high proactivity, the power to act according to your own values instead of being acted
upon by other people and circumstances.
The location of these factors on the continuum, the resulting degree of their integration, harmony,
and balance, and their positive impact on every aspect of your life is a function of your center, the basic
paradigms at your very core.
Alternative Centers
Each of us has a center, though we usually don't recognize it as such. Neither do we recognize the
all-encompassing effects of that center on every aspect of our lives.
Let's briefly examine several centers or core paradigms people typically have for a better
understanding of how they affect these four fundamental dimensions and, ultimately, the sum of life
that flows from them.
Spouse Centeredness. Marriage can be the most intimate, the most satisfying, the most enduring,
growth-producing of human relationships. It might seem natural and proper to be centered on one's
husband or wife.
But experience and observation tell a different story. Over the years, I have been involved in
working with many troubled marriages, and I have observed a certain thread weaving itself through
almost every spouse-centered relationship I have encountered. That thread is strong emotional
dependence.
If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our marriage, then we become highly
dependent upon that relationship. We become vulnerable to the moods and feelings, the behavior and
treatment of our spouse, or to any external event that may impinge on the relationship -- a new child,
in-laws, economic setbacks, social successes, and so forth.
When responsibilities increase and stresses come in the marriage, we tend to revert to the scripts we
were given as we were growing up. But so does our spouse. And those scripts are usually different.
Different ways of handling financial, child-discipline, or in-law issues come to the surface. When these
deep-seated tendencies combine with the emotional dependency in the marriage, the spouse-centered
relationship reveals all its vulnerability.
When we are dependent on the person with whom we are in conflict, both need and conflict are
compounded. Love-hate overreactions, fight-or-flight tendencies, withdrawal, aggressiveness,
bitterness, resentment, and cold competition are some of the usual results. When these occur, we tend
to fall even further back on background tendencies and habits in an effort to justify and defend our own
behavior and we attack our spouse's.
Inevitably, anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds.
So we resort to sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism -- anything that will keep from exposing the
tenderness within. Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of the other for love, only to be
disappointed but also confirmed as to the rightness of the accusations made.
There is only phantom security in such a relationship when all appears to be going well. Guidance
is based on the emotion of the moment. Wisdom and power are lost in the counterdependent negative
interactions.
Family Centeredness. Another common center is the family. This, too, may seem to be natural
and proper. As an area of focus and deep investment, it provides great opportunities for deep
relationships, for loving, for sharing, for much that makes life worthwhile. But as a center, it ironically
destroys the very elements necessary to family success.
People who are family-centered get their sense of security or personal worth from the family
tradition and culture or the family reputation. Thus, they become vulnerable to any changes in that
tradition or culture and to any influences that would affect that reputation.
Family-centered parents do not have the emotional freedom, the power, to raise their children with
their ultimate welfare truly in mind. If they derive their own security from the family, their need to be
popular with their children may override the importance of a long-term investment in their children's
growth and development. Or they may be focused on the proper and correct behavior of the moment.
Any behavior that they consider improper threatens their security. They become upset, guided by the
emotions of the moment, spontaneously reacting to the immediate concern rather than the long-term
growth and development of the child. They may overreact and punish out of bad temper. They tend
to love their children conditionally, making them emotionally dependent or counterdependent and
rebellious.
Money Centeredness. Another logical and extremely common center to people's lives is making
money. Economic security is basic to one's opportunity to do much in any other dimension. In a
hierarchy or continuum of needs, physical survival and financial security comes first. Other needs are
not even activated until that basic need is satisfied, at least minimally.
Most of us face economic worries. Many forces in the wider culture can and do act upon our
economic situation, causing or threatening such disruption that we often experience concern and worry
that may not always rise to the conscious surface.
Sometimes there are apparently noble reasons given for making money, such as the desire to take
care of one's family. And these things are important. But to focus on money-making as a center will
bring about its own undoing.
Consider again the four life-support factors -- security, guidance, wisdom, and power. Suppose I
derive much of my security from my employment or from my income or net worth. Since many
factors affect these economic foundations, I become anxious and uneasy, protective and defensive,
about anything that may affect them. When my sense of personal worth comes from my net worth, I
am vulnerable to anything that will affect that net worth. But work and money, per se, provide no
wisdom, no guidance, and only a limited degree of power and secur
the logic, the reasoning part of the presentation.
Notice the sequence: ethos, pathos, logos -- your character, and your relationships, and then the
logic of your presentation. This represents another major Paradigm Shift. Most people, in making
presentations, go straight to the logos, the left-brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other
people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration.
I had an acquaintance who was very frustrated because his boss was locked into what he felt was an
unproductive leadership style.
"Why doesn't he do anything?" he asked me. "I've talked to him about it, he's aware of it, but he
does nothing."
"Well, why don't you make an effective presentation?" I asked.
"I did," was the reply.
"How do you define 'effective'? Who do they send back to school when the salesman doesn't sell --
the buyer? Effective means it works; it means P/PC. Did you create the change you wanted? Did
you build the relationship in the process? What were the results of your presentation?"
"I told you, he didn't do anything. He wouldn't listen."
"Then make an effective presentation. You've got to empathize with his head. You've got to get
into his frame of mind. You're got to make your point simply and visually and describe the alternative
he is in favor of better than he can himself. That will take some homework. Are you willing to do
that?"
"Why do I have to go through all that?" he asked
"In other words, you want him to change his whole leadership style and you're not willing to change
your method of presentation?"
"I guess so," he replied.
"Well, then," I said, "just smile about it and learn to live with it."
"I can't live with it," he said. "It compromises my integrity."
"Okay, then get to work on an effective presentation. That's in your Circle of Influence."
In the end, he wouldn't do it. The investment seemed too great.
Another acquaintance, a university professor, was willing to pay the price. He approached me one
day and said, "Stephen, I can't get to first base in getting the funding I need for my research because my
research is really not in the mainstream of this department's interests."
After discussing his situation at some length, I suggested that he develop an effective presentation
using ethos, pathos, and logos. "I know you're sincere and the research you want to do would bring
great benefits. Describe the alternative they are in favor of better than they can themselves. Show
that you understand them in depth. Then carefully explain the logic behind your request."
"Well, I'll try," he said.
"Do you want to practice with me?" I asked. He was willing, and so we dress rehearsed his
approach.
When he went in to make his presentation, he started by saying, "Now let me see if I first
understand what your objectives are, and what your concerns are about this presentation and my
recommendation."
He took the time to do it slowly, gradually. In the middle of his presentation, demonstrating his
depth of understanding and respect for their point of view, a senior professor turned to another
professor, nodded, turned back to him and said, "You've got your money."
When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most important,
contextually -- in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns -- you
significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.
We interact back and forth and try to visualize the situation in a very real way so that we can train
ourselves to be consistent in modeling and teaching correct principles to our children. Some of our
most helpful role-plays come from redoing a past difficult or stressful scene in which one of us "blew it."
The time you invest to deeply understand the people you love brings tremendous dividends in open
communication. Many of the problems that plague families and marriages simply don't have time to
fester and develop. The communication becomes so open that potential problems can be nipped in the
bud. And there are great reserves of trust in the Emotional Bank Account to handle the problems that
do arise.
In business, you can set up one-on-one time with your employees. Listen to them, understand
them. Set up human resource accounting or Stakeholder Information Systems in your business to get
honest, accurate feedback at every level: from customers, suppliers, and employees. Make the
human element as important as the financial or the technical element. You save tremendous amounts
of time, energy, and money when you tap into the human resources of a business at every level. When
you listen, you learn. And you also give the people who work for you and with you psychological air.
You inspire loyalty that goes well beyond the eight-to-five physical demands of the job.
Seek first to understand. Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe,
before you try to present your own ideas -- seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective
interdependence.
When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and Third
Alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress.
Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy.
Application Suggestions
1. Select a relationship in which you sense the Emotional Bank Account is in the red. Try to
understand and write down the situation from the other person's point of view. In your next
interaction, listen for understanding, comparing what you are hearing with what you wrote down.
How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that individual's perspective.
2. Share the concept of empathy with someone close to you. Tell him or her you want to work on
really listening to others and ask for feedback in a week. How did you do? How did it make that
person feel.
3. The next time you have an opportunity to watch people communicate, cover your ears for a few
minutes and just watch. What emotions are being communicated that may not come across in words
alone.
4. Next time you catch yourself inappropriately using one of the autobiographical responses --
probing, evaluating, advising, or interpreting -- try to turn the situation into a deposit by
acknowledgment and apology. ("I'm sorry, I just realized I'm not really trying to understand. Could
we start again?")
5. Base your next presentation on empathy. Describe the other point of view as well as or better
than its proponents; then seek to have your point understood from their frame of reference.
Habit 6: Synergize TM
Principles of Creative Cooperation
I was deeply involved in the process. In fact, I was almost mesmerized by it because it seemed so
magical and creative. And I found myself gradually loosening up my commitment to the structure of
the class and sensing entirely new possibilities. It wasn't just a flight of fancy; there was a sense of
maturity and stability and substance which transcended by far the old structure and plan.
We abandoned the old syllabus, the purchased textbooks, and all the presentation plans, and we set
up new purposes and projects and assignments. We became so excited about what was happening
that in about three more weeks, we all sensed an overwhelming desire to share what was happening
with others
We decided to write a book containing our learnings and insights on the subject of our study --
principles of leadership. Assignments were changed, new projects undertaken, new teams formed.
People worked much harder than they ever would have in the original class structure, and for an
entirely different set of reasons
Out of this experience emerged an extremely unique, cohesive, and synergistic culture that did not
end with the semester. For years, alumni meetings were held among members of that class. Even
today, many years later, when we see each other, we talk about it and often attempt to describe what
happened and why.
One of the interesting things to me was how little time had transpired before there was sufficient
trust to create such synergy. I think it was largely because the people were relatively mature. They
were in the final semester of their senior year, and I think they wanted more than just another good
classroom experience. They were hungry for something new and exciting, something that they could
create that was truly meaningful. It was "an idea whose time had come" for them. In addition, the
chemistry was right. I felt that experiencing synergy was more powerful than talking about it, that
producing something new was more meaningful than simply reading something old.
I've also experienced, as I believe most people have, times that were almost synergistic, times that
hung on the edge of chaos and for some reason descended into it. Sadly, people who are burned by
such experiences often begin their next new experience with that failure in mind. They defend
themselves against it and cut themselves off from synergy.
It's like administrators who set up new rules and regulations based on the abuses of a few people
inside an organization, thus limiting the freedom and creative possibilities for many -- or business
partners who imagine the worst scenarios possible and write them up in legal language, killing the
whole spirit of creativity, enterprise, and synergistic possibility.
As I think back on many consulting and executive education experiences, I can say that the
highlights were almost always synergistic. There was usually an early moment that required
considerable courage, perhaps in becoming extremely authentic, in confronting some inside truth about
the individual or the organization or the family which really needed to be said, but took a combination
of considerable courage and genuine love to say it. Then others became more authentic, open, and
honest, and the synergistic communication process began. It usually became more and more creative,
and ended up in insights and plans that no one had anticipated initially.
As Carl Rogers taught, "That which is most personal is most general." The more authentic you
become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even
self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express
themselves. That expression in turn feeds back on the other person's spirit, and genuine creative
empathy takes place, producing new insights and learnings and a sense of excitement and adventure
that keeps the process going.
People then begin to interact with each other almost in half sentences, sometimes incoherently, but
they get each other's meanings very rapidly. Then whole new worlds of insights, new perspectives,
new paradigms that insure options, new alternatives are opened up and thought about. Though
occasionally these new ideas are left up in the air, they usually come to some kind of closure that is
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